New hope ..

Staying at home all the time is really boring, but we have to get use to it, I wanted to write a post, but I had nothing to write about, the same routine ,day after day, in my spare time I do handmade work, I am reading a fantastic book called “ Don’t be sad” I like it very much, I think every Iraqi should read it!!! Specially during these circumstances, I listen to music all the time, and when we don’t have electricity I listen to Radio Sawa.. I’m working hard on my book, and Luke is editing it for me, he’s wonderful.
My mom’s uncle will find me a publisher (he lives in USA), I am so lucky to have such an encouraging relative..
My mom was sick, her blood pressure is not stabled, most of the Iraqis have blood pressure, because of all the stress in our lives ..
The new operation is about to start as you know, I feel like it’ll work this time, although not everyone think so, because the troops announced the operation before it starts ..
I still have hope, I don’t know why.. All the ex-operations failed, but there is a voice inside my heart telling me to be optimistic .
I think about Iraq a lot, what happened and what’s going to happen. When I think about our future I wonder weather it’ll worth every thing we faced , Hopefully.
I open the curtain above my bed, look at the sky, and think…
If the troops will defeat the terrorists and we’ll have security, my relatives who live abroad will come to Iraq, and I’ll be able to see my aunt again, we’ll do whatever we want and wear what we like, without being afraid from terrorists .. I’ll feel more free to write about what I feel, and you’ll be able to see Sunshine, I won’t have to make voice interviews only ..
Oh god how much I miss planning to picnics and preparing for parties, I feel I am so close to live in safety, and see my relatives , neighbors , & friends who had to leave Iraq again.
Every bad thing we got through will be a memory only, we’ve been living in a war zone for four long years, full of sadness & fear. It was a bad experience and no one would love to go through that, but It’s out of my power, I can’t end the war, but we say “if you have lemon, make lemonade” there’s no bright side in the war, but in this four years I became stronger, and independent person, I believe in myself and I know nothing can stop me from moving forward, not even the war, nor terrorists when I have determination and faith ..
I realized how much I love Iraq, I didn’t know how much Iraq means to me, until I saw It destroyed.
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My heart ache whenever I look at the album, I used to wonder if we’ll ever feel the same joy we felt at that time, but in these days when I look at the albums I say to myself “hold on a little bit more, good days will come back”.. I have high spirit now, incase operation won’t succeed I don’t know what will happen to me .. but I have to prepare myself for the worse, so that I don’t get depressed if things didn’t work well, I don’t want to feel what I felt in the beginning of the war, I thought we’ll have the life we were told to have, a bright future, and live happily ever after, I didn’t know there’ll be fights and battles in front of my house.. I didn’t know I’ll see dead people in the streets nor hear all of the horrified stories that I hear each day, I didn’t know I’ll have to hide under the stairs for 10 hours continuously! I didn’t know the meaning of terrorism means nor terrorists in the past, but after the war I started to see the terrorists a lot, walking in our streets, killing and destroying.. I wasn’t told that I’ll see the people I love leaving Iraq or getting killed, and didn’t even imagine that going to school will be that hard, and it’ll be a challenge for me to try to concentrate..
I was happy and thought we’ll get rid of the ex regime, have a freedom & democratic country.. I didn’t know that It’ll cost so much, and until now we didn’t have a “free” country ..
I didn’t know I’ll spend the whole time feeling worried about my parents’ and relatives’ safety, I didn’t know many other facts, I made a perspective in my mind and then I was shocked with the reality.
But I pray our future will worth the sacrifices we made, the fear and sadness we felt..
Yesterday, I visited my relatives who live in our neighborhood, I sat with aunt and we started to look at the albums and remember the days before war, our picnics and their trip to London, we had a good time.. warm memories came back .. and after dinner we spent the time talking about funny things that happened, my first play in the kindergarten, my first song, & when I visited the children’s city for the first time ,I try to imagine how my mom kept jumping and saying “THAT’S MY GIRL , WOW” dad told me that all the people were staring at her, she was so excited !! I remember the children’s city very well, Mariam has some unclear memories, but Yosif didn’t get the chance to visit the children’s city nor any real play yard.
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We try not to go out of the neighborhood , the terrorists will try to kill and destroy as much as they can in their “last days” , Yesterday a car-bomb exploded near my relatives house, their house damaged badly , & yesterday there was a fight in my neighborhood, but however I feel like the explosions in my neighborhood are less than before .. We even had our lunch in the garden couple of times, the weather is cooler during noon time, it was impossible for us to do that 3 weeks ago because of the near by explosion and the continuous shooting.
Grandma told me that when there won’t be explosions anymore we’ll fix the walls (many bullets entered our walls) and of course fix the windows, and doors again, she also said will paint our house, it has black spots because of the near by explosions and fires .. I look forward for that ..
I look forward to move into my room again!!! all the explosions and shootings happen in the street which face my room that’s why I didn’t sleep nor change my clothes there for about two years!! Sometimes I try to sleep there, but after a night or two I can’t bear it, and come back to my sister’s..
I have wonderful room that don’t sleep in, and nice desk but I study in the corridor!!
Sunshine